Monday, November 21, 2011

Uncle Lili Goes to Jail.

There was once a boy called Uncle Lili. This wasn't his real name, but his friends called him that just to annoy him. Uncle Lili was friends with several boys and several girls, and everybody was happy. That was, until the boys played a horrible, nasty trick on the girls.

It was Sam and Jess's first recital for the Dance Team. They had to dance at the basketball game that night, and were very nervous. They made everybody promise that they would be there to support them, which everyone agreed to.

A few hours before the game, around lunch time, Uncle Lili and his friends Corbin and James decided to go to Target. You see, Uncle Lili and his friends liked to play a card game called Magic.

If you have never heard of the game Magic, you may have never met a teenage nerd boy. Some show their Magic love loud and proud. Other's hide it a little better, looking cool on the outside but secretly wishing they were holed up in their room playing Magic or Skyrim.

The problem with Magic cards is that they are expensive, especially to a broke college student. So Uncle Lili and his friends tended to come by them in, ahem, other ways.

So while Sam and Jess were getting ready for their performance, three other girls in the friends group, Rachel, Colleen and Liz, got a phone call from Corbin.

Corbin, James and Uncle Lili couldn't come to the game. Why, may you ask? Uncle Lili had been caught shoplifting, and was in jail.

Uncle Lili was in jail. For stealing cards. Magic cards.

Corbin and James had to go and bail him out, so they wouldn't be able to make it to the game. Colleen, Liz and Rachel banged on James's door, thinking the boys had to be playing a joke on them. They searched the room, but Uncle Lili was nowhere to be found. It had to be true.

Then, poor Sam and Jess heard about what happened, five minutes before they had to go out and dance.

All the girls were freaked out and panicking, but poor Sam and Jess even more so, since they had to perform. They went out and dance, and they danced awesomely, but they couldn't enjoy it. They were to worried about Uncle Lili.

The dancing was over, but the girls were still panicking. Rachel was even about to cry. Unable to see the girls in distress any more, Jacob, Uncle Lili's roommate, came over and told the girls the truth.

Uncle Lili wasn't in jail. The boys had made it up to pull a prank on the girls. He had been hiding under James's bed the entire time.

And that is how Uncle Lili had the living shit beat out of him by five teenage girls.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Lousy, Terrible Day.

Today was a lousy day in general, but what started it was an event so terrible, so awful that it makes me want to hide in a corner just thinking about it.

I wrote a terrible story. And by terrible I mean "why-does-this-story-exist-and-why-did-I-show-it-to-fifteen-other-people-when-it-should-burn-in-a-pit-of-fire" kind of terrible.

Somehow, I came up with an idea for a futuristic, totalitarian short story in my head. It involved a world were nobody read, so nobody really understands emotions and love, ect. There was also a love triangle.

The prose was fine, but the plot? Dreck. Rotten eggs. Dog poo. Yet I sent it off anyway to be critiqued by my classmates, thinking at the time I had written a piece that was good.

The whole week before my critique day, my classmates kept coming up to me telling me how much they liked my previous story, and how they couldn't wait to read my next one. They could only think of one nice thing to say about this story.

I'm fine with criticism. What I'm embarrassed about is the fact that I wrote this horrible story in the first place, that I messed up so drastically it made me want to go hide in the corner and never come out.


Thursday, November 10, 2011

My Writing Process. With pictures!

Every writer goes about their writing process differently. Some have a certain number of hours in the day in which they must write. Others only can write when inspiration strikes them. Others even move into nude hippie communes so that the creative flow can fly through the air.

My writing process is a little bit of everything (Except the nude hippie part. That's just weird). To give you a good idea on how my process goes, I will provide you with some visual samples.

This is me:

And this is me when I begin to write a story or a paper:

After a few minutes of furious typing, random thoughts start to pop into my head, such as wondering who invented tampons, or why Tasty Kakes don't exist in Rhode Island.

Naturally, this leads to a Google search, and then to Wikipedia, and before long I have learned about the fascinating history of salt water taffy.

Eventually, all this strenuous research makes me yearn for something amusing, and eventually this happens:

This leads to frequent trips to Youtube, Facebook, or inspiration for another blog post (ahem).

Finally, it's one o'clock in the morning, and suddenly full on inspiration hits me like a fully loaded garbage truck.

Then I type a ten page masterpiece, and fall asleep.

When I wake up the next morning, I feel like I can put my bad writing habits behind me, and start to work on another paper. Then I start to wonder how rubber bands were invented. 

Thursday, November 3, 2011

If You Need a Girl to Jump, Scare Her With a Chainsaw.

Here in good old Central Pennsylvania, we pride ourselves on three things: Pierogis, Whoopie Pies (Don't ever believe that Maine invented that glorious treat), and Haunted Attractions.

Field of Screams, The Bates Motel, Eastern State Penitentiary... the list goes on.

So of course, my friends and I jumped at the chance to go to Jason's Woods for the mere price of five dollars.

Now what you need to understand about Central PA is that most of it is farmland. So take miles of empty farmland in Lancaster, with no streetlights and dirt roads, and your already halfway through your own version of an horror movie (In this one, the blond with the huge boobs dies first).

The first site that we got to go through was this small maze. It wasn't that scary, since the only things that happened was this huge fireball that would blow up every once and a while and Freddy Kruger would sneak up on you. The problem with this maze was that it was extremely small, the the Jason's wood staff didn't regulate how many people could go in at once. So when a very large group of thirteen year old teenage girls decide that something is so scary that they need to stampede the place to get out of the maze, you'll most likely end up squished against the wall.

The nest attraction we got to go on was the Haunted Hayride. The problem with Haunted Hayrides is that you can't just run away if somethings scary. You're stuck on that sucker till it starts to move again. Because the universe is just and fair, my group of friends ended up on the same hayride as the terrified thirteen year old girls.

Here is the foolproof way to not be terrorized on a hayride: Laugh your ass off. The performers will aways go for the people who actually show how scared they are. My friend Sam and I, who were sitting next to each other, were never terrorized because we were laughing so hard at everybody else.

For example, while on the Hayride, at one point the actors bring out chainsaws (with the blades removed) and shake them at people. I saw a girl literally leap six feet in the air in an attempt to get away from the man. It was pretty impressive.

After the Hayride, we got to go through two haunted houses (Sadly, because of our amazing discount, we weren't able to go in the actual Jason's Woods), and somehow got split into two groups.

While dodging terrifying clowns and pirates, I learned three things:

  1. There are some parts of the haunted houses that are pitch black.
  2. The actors are allowed to touch you.
  3. The actors are freaking allowed to touch you.
At one point, we were debating who was to go first in a very narrow and dark hallway, when somebody grabbed Sam and tried to pull her into the dark hallway. She, naturally, freaked out and pushed everybody into the wall in an attempt to escape. 

At another point, we entered a white room full of dots that glowed brightly. As we walked through it, we were scared out of our wits by an actor that blended perfectly against the wall. However, as scared as most of us were, nothing could top Jess, who as she saw the person, slowly started to scream:

"That's. a. PERSON!!!"

She then proceeded to push everyone out of the way and onto the floor as she bolted from the room.

Luckily, we all came out in one piece. We calmed ourselves down with soft pretzels, hot chocolate, and homemade vanilla Coke.

We then all gathered back onto the bus, everyone happy from a great night. Then, as we started to drive away, the bus driver made an announcement over the loudspeaker:

"Good evening everyone. I hope you had a fun evening tonight, and I hope you enjoy the movie. By the way, does anyone know the way back to your college?"